QUESTION: I am a firm believer that if you are to ever step into a relationship you should be happy with yourself first. My reasoning is that you will be more likely to make your significant other unhappy with your unhappiness with yourself. Because if all the efforts your significant other will do for you will still make you unhappy then they will be unhappy because they will feel that they aren’t worth your standards.
Now here’s my question to you, knowing this reasoning: I am in a 2 year relationship. We have taken things at our own pace, slowly learned each other habits and understood the other person’s likes and dislikes. But recently after taking a big step in our relationship (we’ve decided to move in together!) we’ve began to have issues erupting.
My boyfriend after two years has yet to understand the idea that when I am on my period, I want comfort, love and some support. No sex. Just him making me feel happy while I’m busy dealing with whatever. I recently had to switch to different birth control pills where my hormones are extremely haywire. One moment I can be happy the next moment I can be extremely furious at him. I try my best to use introspection before I start lashing out at him. But the more and more I start thinking about how to approach him, the more aggravated I get at him. When I stay quiet, he won’t notice a thing and won’t respond to me. If I do it for days, he won’t notice. If it’s for a week he’ll suspect something is wrong but put it aside.
He unfortunately cannot take a hint, and when I talk to him about something I want him to stop doing, he’ll stop for a while and then he’ll continue making the same mistakes he did before. I know nobody is perfect, but still. I thought the point of being in a relationship is to have someone there who you can lean on and tell your troubles to while being intimate.
I avoid comparing my relationships to others because him and I know that every relationship is different. And I know that guys can be difficult to get a message across, but with him, it’s becoming difficult. It’s been to the extent where I’ve had to use the words, “Honey, I thinking about breaking up with you.” And now it’s gotten worse. Whenever I’m serious about it, he thinks I’m just joking and he’ll retort back. And it’s to the point where I don’t want to push it because we’re already beginning this new chapter in our lives.
I guess my question is, how can I make sure my boyfriend gets the message? How should I tackle this issue with him? How can I ensure that if I have a problem with him that I can ensure my voice gets heard?
I’m gonna give it to you as if you were my friend: clear-cut, blatant, and honest. You may not necessarily like or agree with what I’ll say, but it’s coming from an unbiased place, so hear me out.
#1: I sincerely believe that unless you are engaged or married you should NOT live with your significant other. That is honestly the first mistake in this situation. A lot of people may not agree, but that’s where I stand. And it’s coming from a place of experience. My boyfriend and I lived together (we both had our own apartments, but only stayed in one) for some time and it seemed like as soon as we did that, arguments came. So this is something that’s tried and true in my life. You all are around each other 24/7, have bills allocated in each other’s names, and so all emotions are heightened in this type of scenario. You all seem to really need space from one another (remember that absence makes the heart grow fonder)
#2: Not sure if your issue is you not wanting your boyfriend to initiate sex while you’re on your cycle, or if you feel like he doesn’t listen or recognize when you’re mad, or if you want him to be more sensitive and supportive, but either way there’s a break down of communication here. You definitely should not ASSUME he knows you’re upset. Men are not psychics and they won’t always see when something is wrong. Therefore, he won’t know there’s a problem unless you tell him. As far as the sex goes, I’m not sure why a guy would want to have sex with his girlfriend while she’s on her period (yuck), but definitely tell him outright that you’re not down for it. No sugar coating, no fluff. Be firm, but be considerate.
#3: DO NOT throw around the concept of a break up unless you’re gonna do it! He doesn’t take you seriously because he’s calling your bluff. It sounds like you’ve said this to him on numerous occasions. What reason does he have to believe you if you’re still with him? Eventually, he’ll grow bitter towards you if you continue to throw it in his face. Not only will he not take your threat seriously, he will begin not to take you seriously. If you really do feel that way, look inside yourself and see if this is really worth ending the relationship. After that, take the necessary steps to do it.
It sounds like you need to have an honest heart-to-heart with your man. Express your concerns directly so that there’s no mistaking it. Give him a chance to voice his concerns also, because he might be feeling a certain way that he’s not expressing to you, hence why he’s acting the way he is. A relationship is a two-way street, so make sure yours is heading in the right direction.
